


Chappy Gazzette

by Yemi Hikari (Yemi_Hikari)



Category: Bleach
Genre: Crack, Experimental Style, Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-04-01
Updated: 2011-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:28:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24984592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yemi_Hikari/pseuds/Yemi%20Hikari
Summary: Newsie-fic - What would newspapers be like in the Bleach fandom? Here are my trys at writing fictional newspaper stories for the fandom. Total so far... one. Parodies real newspapers... hopefully.
Collections: Experimental Fic





	1. Soul Candy

**SOULFUL NEW NAME  
Gikongan Renamed Soul Candy  
_Reporter Kotetsu Kiyone_**

Today an announcement came through the grapevine that gikongan will now go by the name Soul Candy. This change of name came about due to a protest by the women Shingami Society. The group protested the original name due to the fact that gikongan lacked any form of cuteness. In fact, the argument came about that the original name masculinizes Shingami, which detoured the idea of women within the ranks of the Shingami at all.

Stated Soifon, captain of the second division, " _It isn't so much about what is cute or not, but the rights of Shingami women everywhere. If the men expect us to take a back seat, they are sadly mistaken._ " Notably, the only other female captain among the Gotei Thirteen is Unohana Retsu of the forth division, known not for it's fighting skill, but for healing.

However, a different statement came from Lieutenant Kusajishi Yachiru, who happens to hold the head position of president of the Shingami's Women's Association. " _Soul Candy is cute. Gikongan is not. Everyone likes cute, no one like ugly, which is what Gikongan is._ " Among all the lieutenants currently holding office, fifty percent of them are female, in comparison to the roughly fifteen point thirty eight percent among the captaincy. _(Statistical data provided by the twelfth division.)_

Among the male captaincy, the movement has been seen quite a few supporters. One such person is Captain Kuchiki Byakuya of the sixth division. Some say that part of the reason why he gave so much support came in part, due to the way his young sister, Kuchiki Rukia, approached the matter. The young lady has gone around with a Chappy puppet.

However, the sixth division captain has always been known as a huge supporter of the Women's group, helping when he felt absolutely need be, and only then. Not to mention that a good deal of the members are also members of the fan club that revolves around him, are rather irrelevant fact. He is quoted as saying, " _The name Gikongan is rather disturbing, considering the connotations of who it was who designed them in the first place._ " No one has bothered to give further comment on which that person was.

However, Captain Zaraki Kenpachi is quoted as saying this, " _Byakuya is a sissy, as the only reason he supports the Women's Shingami Association is because of his dead wife. If it was of his own mind set, his whole division would be behind it._ " Whether through fear of their captain or their lieutenant, or regard to her cuteness, all of the eleventh division has been causing fights all over for the cause.

While this division fighting everyone isn't anything new, the idea of them fighting for a cause rather then just to fight is what is not usual. The casualties in this division from the brawls have actually gone up, while their opponents have gone down. Says the lieutenant of the forth division, the number in increase and decrease can possibly be attributed to them having a goal this time, instead of not having one.

Says Ayasegawa Yumichika of the eleventh division. " _While the number of us in forth division this time around is ugly, the cause of our lieutenant is a very beautiful one. I also have to agree that the word isn't cute. It isn't even pretty, so I agree with the change. Oh… and before someone asks why our third seat is going along with this… would you want to get on our lietenant's bad side?_ "

While there were a great deal of those who support the cause to change the name, there were some against the name change. One person in particular our child particular, our child prodigy, Captain Hitsugaya Toshiro of the tenth division. He can be quoted as saying, " _I see no point in changing something's name just so it can have a cute sounding name. It's the same no matter what name it has._ "

Of course, reports say that out of all the people effected by the effort to push for the name change, the captain actually ended up with a sober lieutenant, even if is was just for a weeks span of time, as she swore of drinking to get the point across. For one week, many were complaining of the drunken Matsumoto Rangiku, even though her captain did not. She did say however, " _I still didn't get any paper work done_."

She also had an explanation for her captain's reluctance to support the name change. " _Captain… he hates being treated like a child. For him, the word cute associates him with being a child, thus he hates the word, so to speak. However, everyone knows my Captain is the most adorable and cutest of them all. I made sure to keep the dispenser that didn't have a cute little animal on it. You know, the cute skull one with the top hat."_

On an ending note, Yamamoto-Genryusai Shigekuni stated that all of this was in truth for the best, the changing of the name. He did not make his reasons for agreeing with the change clear, but it is likely that the Women's Shingami Society's voice was heard… that and he may have been possibly tired of the eleventh divisions overuse of forth divisions hospitality.

* * *

**Reaction**

Hitsugaya Toshiro went strait to his desk to begin working on his paper work, as he wished to get it done as soon as possible, and yet again it was piling up, no thanks to his insubordinate subordinate, who tended to leave the paper work for her captain, something that really didn't ever endear her to him. He set down the cup of tea and rifled through his draw for the needed materials. As he set those on the desk, he noticed that the latest edition of the _Seireitei Communication_ _._

The preteen picked up the newspaper and began to read it, his eye falling on the article ' _SOULFUL NEW NAME: Gikongan Renamed Soul Candy'_. At first, there was nothing wrong with anything that was going on, even though he could feel Kenpachi's reiatsu nearby, but then the eleventh division was very close to the tenth division head quarters, much to his dismay.

Then he could feel his ire popping out as he got to where he was mentioned in the article. At first, it seemed rather innocent, but it then became clear that everyone would yet again know about the problems with his lieutenant. However, what really got him was what his lieutenant was quoted about saying. "…'most adorable and cutest'… MATSUMOTO!"

Up above his office, where there was a definite chance of getting to hear him, a small girl with pink hair giggled. "I told you Ken-chan that he would go off when he saw it! Serves him right for hating the word cute! Cute is wonderful!"

Kenpachi let out a chuckle as his lieutenant smirked at the situation. Near by sat his third, fifth and sixth seat, who were also chuckling about the whole ordeal. It was then that a Hell Butterfly showed up and landed on Renji's finger. "Captain Kuchiki says that the comment in the paper was a nice try to goad him into battle. However, he can't say he really wants to battle anyone from a division that has it's fifth seat quoted the way they were."

"Yumichika…" Kenpachi growled suddenly.

"Yes?"

"Don't let me hear your sissy talk in the paper again," the spiked haired man stated, only to receive a shrug from the other, both knowing that he couldn't change his personality that easily, nor did he want to.


	2. Chappy Play

**PLAY IS DISATER  
Never Use Puppets for Entertainment  
 _Reporter Ise Nanao_**

This last Saturday the Gotei Thirteen was treated to a presentation of Chappy _Extravaganza Behold._ The play was preformed by Kuchiki Rukia of the thirteenth division and Fukutaicho Kusajishi. Apparently this was an attempt by the two to raise money for the Woman's Shinigami Society. Unfortunately, many people demanded their money back afterwords.

This being a puppet play, it was assumed that the event would be rated G, or PG 13 at most. However, the play turned out to be of a higher rating. The act was filled with various Chappy causing each other bodily harm and making sexual innuendos that I wonder if the two performers even began to understand.

While the eleventh division enjoyed puppets that sprayed blood all over the place, others did not. The tenth division taicho became physically ill due to the lewd connotations projected in the theatrical piece. Some argued that he should not have stayed for the whole piece, but one has to give him credit for attempting to be polite.

The play was written by an anonymous person, whom the leadership of the Gotei Thirteen is now trying to track down. Particularly the members of the Woman's Shinigami Society who never approved the play officially.

 **PLAY IS BLAST**  
Consume Crosstalk Festival  
 _Reporter Abarai Renji_

I happened to enjoy the play despot the fact that many people complained. The intifada eleventh division was in fact pleased, and that is what really mattered as the play was in fact aimed towards them and those of simulator likes specifically. So to complain about a dislike when it should have been obverse that this was no childless show.

I found it rather funny that the tenth division taicho even showed up, conciliating his constancy complains about childish things. He ended up being completely hazed by the blood and gore... oh come on, your supposed to be a taicho fro crying outlived Whitsunday... and ended up imprinting in the trash can. It was a pleasant afternoon.

**Reaction**

The small taicho of the tenth division sat on his bed as Matsumoto spooned him leek soup. The woman gave him a week smile. "I'm sorry I dragged you to that play taicho. I honestly thought it would be fun."

"I passed out overnight. I'm not going to live that one down. At least they'll eventually forget about it." Toshiro opened his mouth for a spoonful then noted the twitch of his fukutaicho's mouth. "What is the matter?"

"Well... the paper wrote up the play, and both articles about it mention you taicho." Rangiku sighed setting the bowl down. She watched as his small face twisted up in frustration.

"What did they say?" Hitsugaya asked.

"You can read it for yourself!" Renji stated, coming into the room and tossing the paper onto the small taicho's lap.

Two small hands picked up the paper and a white eyebrow twitched. "Whose this Whitsunday?"

"Huh?" The fukutaicho of the sixth simply stared.

"Your article is filled with errors. I'm surprised Hisagi Fukutaicho let it slide." Toshiro narrowed his eyes.

"Shuhei told me it was funny." Renji put his hands behind his head. "I mean, I thought you were made of sterner stuff. You've cut down plenty of hollows."

"It was the sexual comments that upset taicho Abarai." Rangiku sighed, watching her small taicho.

"You passed out because of that." The red head frowned.

"You realize that play was _adult_ only? Thankfully no kids showed up. We would have been in huge trouble." Toshiro simply sat there.

"Yes there was." Renji suddenly laughed.

"We didn't receive any complaints from parents." Hitsugaya let out a sigh.

"Yes... we did." Abarai was laughing, his eyes suddenly looking at Matsumoto. "Well, closest thing you _have_ to a legal guardian."

"You aren't funny." The small taicho frowned at the man. "I bet we know exactly who wrote that crap too. There are two possibilities I can think of."

"It wasn't..." Renji though backed off a bit upon seeing the glare Rangiku levied at him.


End file.
